Rational thought, rational thought, rational, rational.
I keep telling myself this. These are just molecules, atoms dissolving away. Covalent bonds, ionic bonds, forces that pull each other finally letting go. This is chemistry and physics. It’s okay, it’s fine. Let it be, let go. It’s the ultimate metaphor for freedom. The grand ascension.
There’s a force in my heart that does not want to let go. The irrational bond. The square root of minus Pi upon 2.
I dread the moment of unhappiness. I don’t think I can face it. I will be forced to face it. The unholy cruelty of it. I think my heart will break. Not shatter like glass or break like wood splinters but break like steel with too much carbon in it, it develops a crack and the crystal lattice shifts so that steel can never be used for load bearing tasks again. Too many cracks and the steel might as well be salad, no load bearing capacity. I dread that with each crack I’ll have to bear more load unless I can break that irrational bond.
I was able to avoid the occasion of his death. I never faced it. Some days, even though I hated the man in the latter half of my existence, I think of him and a sob escapes me. Now they say there will be another passing. And then another. And then another before there’s a lull.
One day finally, either I’ll see my sweetheart depart or she’ll see me go. I cannot picture this ultimate fate, no image looks happy to me from where I stand. My heart is already giving up from the anticipation of the impending heaviness.
Our tragic universe.
I cannot find a rational way to break my bond.
Not 10 minutes before I started writing this, Yann Tiersen was playing a solo piano concert, live on Facebook. I think he was playing a wistful tune, before finishing up. People in the audience were smiling. It was such a perfect moment to be alive. Life. Fucking chemistry and physics.
I want my rational mind to consider all irrational explanations. That this is a beginning not the end. That they live in our thoughts. That it’s the circle of life. That there’s a heaven. That they are happy after all was said and done. Collective consciousness. My rational brain rejects it all as imagination.
The only thing that I know and can understand is that the bond remains. The irrational bond, is an entity of it’s own. It will break of it’s own accord. When one day it finds seven consecutive prime numbers. What will be lost is other molecules participating in the bond.
And I can’t make excuses. I can’t make rational or irrational rationalizations. I have to face it head on. Let my heart bear the heaviness, let it break but not be broken because of it.
I have to acknowledge the cracks, then mend my heart like those Japanese people mend their pots with gold and silver. Keep mending it till the day my heart will be nothing but gold and silver, the day I’ll discover seven consecutive prime numbers, and after that day, it would not matter.